Why is it important for parents to set boundaries for their college-age child?
Boundaries are an important part of every relationship and they are a two-way street. Parents should establish boundaries with their child and the child should establish boundaries with their parents.
A boundary is a set of expectations of self and others about what is desired, comfortable and safe in a relationship. Boundaries allow people to maintain their individuality while still benefiting from relationships.
The absence of boundaries is harmful to self and relationships; too rigid boundaries are similarly harmful. Boundaries are most effective when they are clearly communicated and allowed to change over time depending on the needs of the individual and the growth of the relationship.
What do those boundaries look like (financial, academic, household necessities like laundry and food)?
Parents and children should talk about what they expect from the other in many different areas, leaving as little to guess work as possible.
Bi-directional questions/answers are important: “What do you want in terms of ____? OK, here’s what I want.”
By having explicit conversations about desires, parents and children can usually find out that they have many areas of agreement. Those areas of difference can then be talked about in a respectful manner because both have articulated their desired boundary.
Many agree that communication is key to successful parenting, but how do parents strike the balance between too much communication and not enough with their college-age child?
Balancing communication between parents and children is dynamic and ever changing. Many parents think if they agree to a “schedule” of communication right at the outset of college, then this will always be the plan.
However, things evolve in a child’s and parent’s life and communication needs to flex with new needs or desires. Ongoing, regular, clearly asked-answered questions about “how much” or “how often” is critical to maintaining a mutually beneficial relationship and respect for boundaries.
What can parents do to help their children respect those boundaries and, in turn, become more independent? (Research and learn about campus resources, establish a set time to talk and check in every few days or once a week, allow your child to solve their own problems, etc.)
College is a time of exploration, but many college-aged children need to know that if they need it, the parents will be there for them. The most important things parents can communicate is that they believe in the child’s ability to manage their life, are there for support whenever needed, and that the parents are also going through an adjustment. In time, children will successfully “separate and individuate” when they see their parents as individuals as well and still have that loving home base from which to launch themselves.
What resources are available to students to better adjust to college life on their own?
All students go through an adjustment period to college. They are at times separating from their family/community and also being exposed to many new people and experiences. This transition is normal and the more students and families can recognize it as a process, the more likely the student can have positive new experiences.
However, when the student is struggling or having difficulty setting boundaries, we recommend the student directly engage with their college’s support services. All universities have student services to support the academic and personal success of each student, and everyone who works in these services are experts in helping students navigate the transition.
At ASU, we have a website just for parents that outlines all of these resources and many schools have something similar https://eoss.asu.edu/parents.
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