empower
J
Final Exam
maskmatters.org
SPRING 2018
96
I
grew up in a household that revolved around sports. Our
entire life was reliant on what time my little brother’s
football practice was, how to stay the most fit, and what
games would be on TV that week. And then there was me.
The painter and photographer that danced four
days a week only because I “had to” be in a sport. I enjoyed
dancing, sure, but the dedication was just too much for me
and I was only there because my parents wanted me to be.
Then junior high rolled around and a series of unfortunate
events began to happen. My
first dog, Polo, passed away
the summer between sixth and
seventh grades, and when school
started, my so-called best friend
decided that it was more fun to
make fun of me and exclude me
from the group than it was to be
around me. I felt like an outsider within my own family and now I
was a nobody at school, too.
As the months went on, I developed depression. I was sad that
my former four-legged best friend was no longer around. I was sad
that my parents loved my brother more than me and that I didn’t
fit in with their athletic lifestyle. I was sad that I didn’t have friends
at school because the girls were mean to me. I was sad for many
different reasons, but depression isn’t just being sad—it’s being so
inexplicably sad and not understanding why you’re feeling this way
or why this is happening to you. And that happened to me.
In eighth grade, I was still at rock bottom and I became
suicidal. I developed an eating disorder and wouldn’t eat for weeks
at a time. I lost a lot of weight, and in April of my 14th year, I
decided that I wanted to swallow a whole bottle of pills.
But I didn’t. After the first six acetaminophen tablets, I called
a friend and she talked me out of the despicable.The next day at
school, I tried to forget anything ever happened, but I just couldn’t.
I broke down and told my yearbook teacher everything that was
happening.
After that, she walked me up to the vice principal’s
office and they called my dad. He was angry and said he
didn’t believe me. He yelled at me in the school office and
continued yelling on the walk out to the car, calling me
names and saying that I was just begging for attention.
We left, with the school under the impression that we were
going straight to the emergency room for a psychological
exam. But instead, my father brought me back to our house
and continued yelling.
I don’t really remember the next few hours, but I stayed in
my house crying while listening to my parents screaming at me
for being ungrateful. After a restless night, I woke up to another
morning of going to school pretending nothing had happened. I
only made it through first hour before calling my mom, who finally
took me to the emergency room.
After being diagnosed with clinical depression, I spent a week
at home, out of school.
My parents decided I needed to see a religious
therapist. My mother would sit in the office with me
for every session. I would stare at my knees, say how
sad I felt, and then wait for the therapist to explain the
neurological effects memories have on the
brain and then spray some lavender in the
air for a sense of calming. To me, this was a
joke. It didn’t help.
I didn’t leave the house for the rest of eighth
grade and I kept my head low at school.
Eventually, my therapist determined that I
was happy enough to not need her and that
was a victory for me. Soon, my parents just
stopped talking about it and I learned to
look forward because I didn’t have any other
options. I have some scars, mentally and
physically, but I made it out alive.
And then came high school. For me, being a freshman was
freedom. I got to go to a new school, make new friends and start
over. I got to take a film photography class and I devoted my
time to that.
Since then, I’ve learned to love myself. Some days it’s still
hard, but I’ve learned to move on and to learn from the past. I
will never again blame myself for anything that happened and I
will not blame anyone else.
I’ve made so many mistakes, but now I try to live without
regrets. I try to make every day the best it possibly can be. I’m
proud of myself. I’ve come a long way and I’ve done a lot of
good. I’ve actually lived to see 17 and it’s been great.
I try to make every day the best
it possibly can be. I’m proud of
myself. I’ve come a long way and
I’ve done a lot of good.
